Never_Knows_Tears

01:28 pm: Its been sooo long since ive done this
Wow i can't believe how long it has been since i last posted. Don't really have anything to say just wanted to post something cause i haven't in a long time. hope everyone is doing good and getting by alright. i realy hope i can stay here in california. don't wanna move to texas. no good. Any who gotta go watch my little brother so peace out yo.


Texas Bad

California Good

07:47 am: so sore
i dont really have any point to this post. i just think that i should post something so i dont get out of the loop in my own journal. i saw the last post i made was on the 23rd so... Congrats Steph!your a "big wig" now.

_ drum practice was really crazy for me. i pushed myself way too hard yesterday. i just hope that if people see me working that hard, you know, maybe they might feel compelled to push hard too. it was funny cause i was really pissed at the start of practice and katie comes over and sees me just pounding on my snare, and she starts playing 16th note rolls really fast... so i start playing with her and it was perfectly clean and fast! she says damn nate you need to get pissed off more often. (i dont know maybe its a drummer thing. i thought it was funny)
_ i dont have alot to say about missing practice, but then i do. its one thing to miss some, but if your gonna miss them, play your brains out when you are there. i do every single time im there. that is how i can have the nerve to say this. some times people just dont see how much this program means. or if they finaly do its too late and they are gone or graduating. i have always known how awsome it is. i have seen great musicans graduate from the program. Kate, Craig, Joel, Jerome, Adam. not only musicians but talented people, laisha, Quianna, Kevin. these people have all shown me something that means alot. Heart. they put heart into performing everytime. if you have ever seen craig march a show you know what i am talking about. he looks like he is going to explode from consentrating so hard. katie, you can feel the energy and emotion she has when she plays. joel... wow! 2 words palm springs. if you dont know about that day ask to watch the video. borrow it from someone. that was a bad day for the marching band and he looked as though he was trying to move everyone on the field. he put so much feeling and energy into conducting... you couldnt help but push hard and try your best to play your best. there is something for everyone i noted and some for others i havent. this is me and stephs last year here at madison, and all there is is conflict, trouble, lazyness, complaint about haveing to work hard. i just wanna finnish out the show, have fun. and kick ass!!!!!!!
_ i know that katie is frustraited so much with the drumline. and i really know mike is fed up. you can tell if you just try and pay attention.
_ i have had 2 years of constant dedication to this program and put in my full 2 cents..(way more than that)... and there are alot that have been in for a while and defanetly have not. i dont think that i should have to try and prove my dedication anymore just to make up for those who dont.
---just do what you should. play your best. have fun most of all.
-a few words to end...
>effort
>heart
>family
>best
>KICK ASS!

08:15 am: uhhh
moo time icecream is better yumm Yumm yumm

07:54 am: the day of days
hey all.. im so bord in BACa right now. shari decided to stay home today and i wont see her till tomorrow so cant talk with her much. Pam is "working so hard" on her math sheet.that would be so awsome to work there. i hate my job right now.
not all the time just right now.i need more money than that.

Hay katie...stoped by last night and you wernt there at the store. i guess i see you later.
still so bord. falling asleeep whi im typing this.that sucks.
i wanna go back to bed.

where is becki this morning? are you hideing... if so can i hide too, i wannna hide as well. can i can i please...
i still wanna go away. i dont know where just away

08:29 am: board!!
im sittin in baca right now not doing anything. i just made pam a power point with happy birthday on it and lots of explotions. it was cool. but now i am board again. im so tired of being busy. im always busy. busy sucks. no time for me. i dont even get any hours at work anymore. not because they dont give them to me but because i cant work them. with choir and drumline and alot of other stuff... i got nothing. i would really like a vacation. i cant even have the one i would like eather. my parents are going to tahoe and i cant go with them cause of a drumline comp. i want to go snowboarding again. its been so long since i have snowboarded. bummer. but other than my busy schedual and nothing else life... all is good yo. hookah rocks

06:56 am: sorry
Happy late birthday Laura... sorry it was late but i have not been on the computer in a few days. sorry again... but hey look it is still my first post. and not last so go ahead and add now. im here..yay! for you.

11:57 pm: Happy Birthday Shannon!!!!!!! Go 18!!!!!

09:58 am: finaly!
<td bgcolor="#000000">Your Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You had this in your wallet</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$104</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your attacker was a </td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Homeless Person</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Did you win or lose the fight</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">No you lost, your dead. </td></tr>

Which Wacko in the world gets you cornered in a dark Alley? by SunCrush
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

i dont care who does it, as long as it gets done! INTERESTING... thats how its gonna happen. whatever it happens. atleast its not getting stabbed in the back by someone you thought you knew....

04:14 pm:

1crazysuperhero Magic Number 16 Job Politician Personality The Glass Is Half-Empty Temperament What You Lookin' At? Sexual Gay Likely To Win A Nobel Prize Me - In A Word Compassionate Colour Brought to you by MemeJack

wow that sucks! didnt have anything to put in the journal and i havent posted in a long time so....ya...im tired

08:38 pm: to whom may read this
time and time again i see you. i see how you feel and what you think. i dont know what will come of this and i dont know when. i want things to be fine. i want all to be good. the day to be cool and blue, no clouds and bright with sun. i dont know how to make it happen, but something needs to. maybe the time will come when all falls into place. dont know when that is, but i hope it is soon....

hey all... im in the mac lab right now. dont have anything to do so im just waiting to go to lafette today. i have so much anxioty right now and i dont know why. i woke up this morning feeling like i need to explode, or im gonna.... its not fun... oh well... hey michelle, how you doing?.... hope all is going good... i hope you have fun at disneyland and enjoy yourself.
i wish i could just dissaper. one moment im ok... then the next im all tweeked out. its not fun...

i was thinking... is the beginning the end... or is the end the end... or is the end just the end and there is no beginning. starting something is just getting ready to finninsh it even if it last a long time. so if you begin something you have just gotten on your way to ending it. we are born.... that is the beginning.... from the moment you are born you are starting to get on your way to dying.. the beginning is the end. not end is finnishing what you started. there is no in between. oh well. weird shit pops into my head. i wanna fly. like jump up and fly that would be cool. if i flap my arms really hard and jump really high and i could fly that would be fun. well im gonna go now cause im on something i think and i dont even know it. so by.......

08:21 am: mac lab
well i just had typed a huge entry here but im in the mac lab and i hit some stupid button that erased everything. i hate macs. damn.... oh well maybe that is just something that happend for a reason....NOT... it is just the stupid mac.. oh well.
ill just start off were i left off.....

~hey michelle.... i hope you feel better and can start to enjoy some stuff more.. dont know what is up with you much right now cause i can only read your journal entries and infer from there and know what you are letting be known. we have not talked in a while and the last time we did it was fun and i feel like things were cool... so maybe sometime soon i will give you a call. but for now feel better and remeber that i am there for you and we are the same with the N.O.L.U.C......hehe
we got it coverd.... you and me.

~hey christy. dont know how much you get on and read this stuff but if you do get around to it... hi and how are you. thanks for being there for me and yes we "dumb" people do have to stick together. and that is how it goes. talk to you later and it was nice to hear from you.

~TIME IS HERE AND TIME IS GONE, WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH IT WHEN IT HAS ALREADY PASSED YOU BY? YOU CAN DO NOTHING WITH IT OR TO IT BUT JUST TRY AND MAKE UP AND FIX WHAT IS ALREADY LOST AND BROKEN. TIME FLYS AND YOU CANT CATCH IT SO RUN WITH IT AND DO WHAT YOU CAN. DONT BE INTIMIDATED BY WHAT YOU CANT CHANGE. YOU LIVE LIFE, SOMETIMES NOT REALLY LIVEING... THEN YOU DIE BUT ARE YOU LIVE WHEN YOU ARE BORN? BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU START LIVING YOU START DIEING. SO DO YOU EVER REALLY LIVE? SO LIVING IS DIEING AND LIFE IS NOT LIVING. THAT DOESNT CHANGE AND THAT IS THE ONLY CONSTANT I KNOW. EVEN YOUR NAME CAN BE CHANGED SO THAT ISNT EVEN REAL. BUT BUT DIEING/ LIVING ARE THE SAME AND NEVER MOVE. SO IF YOU NEED SOMETHING TO LOOK AT AND WONDER... WONDER HOW CAN YOU LIVE AND NOT DIE WHILE LIVING....... I GUESS ONLY TIME WILL TELL, BUT HOW CAN TIME TELL IF IT IS ALREADY GONE?.................

08:36 am: this is it
This Is what I don’t know
I don’t know what to do because I don’t have any help from anyone
She doesn’t care; she just wants to protect her,
They don’t care they also want to protect her
But what about me?
She told me not to hurt her
But what about me?
What am I supposed to do?
Am I just supposed to forget me?
Do I go on not thinking?
Forgetting me
I don’t know but I hurt
I have me
Only me
Not her
No one

If I forget me I’m not having a life
Were does that leave me?
When I think about her I want to cry
But I don’t know how
I wish I could
That would make it feel better
That would relieve stress
That would relive anger

Anger I know her so well
Not just to others but to myself
When I cant figure out what I want
Or when I can’t have what I want
I don’t know what to do about that
What am I supposed to do……………

My life feels so empty
Like I just go on
And on
And on
Walking in darkness
Not of evil but of lack of sight
Not knowing what is In front of me
A cloud of smoke in my mind

Darkness falls on me and my thoughts………
Never ending ………
Never stopping
Always poking and prodding me with a hot stick in my side
Lacking of sleep and rest
Always wondering
When it will end?
And I think to myself how much I wish it would
I don’t want pity
I want help,
Insight,
Advise without it being thoughts of helping her,
What is in her best interest
But what is mine
For me
Not her
Or friends of hers
But me
If only that would happen I could be happy

What is happy anymore to me?
Nothing.
Just a simple word with no feeling

Now sad that is a word that I can explain well
Should I draw you a picture?
Or should I write you a letter
Would that explain it better?
Who knows?
I don’t
Just ask me if you want to find out though
I’ll try and I’ll give it my all
For you not me
Because that is what I do
Forget about me and live my life
Not living
But being one of society that is accountable for most others feelings
Not hurting the one I care about
But trying to comfort her in the best way I can
Go out of my way to make her good
Not stressed
Or unhappy
My life going on and on and on from the beginning to end
Others come first
OR DO THEY?………

(no offence intend to anyone who reads this it is just what i think in my head not ment for anything, just a post. also it started as a poem for english so...)

12:09 am: jee golly mister
man spring break is over and we all go back to wonderful place i call prision...some call it a school but hey to each there own. spring break has not been to bad. not great or maybe even good but it didnt suck. the bon fire rocked for the time i was there. except for the old homeless guy. that sucked. thanks adam for letting me come. i still think for the time it was your fire was the biggest and sorry but yes i was with everyone in thinking that you were gonnna blow yourself up or catch yourself on fire. but oh well you get over it. easter was a lot of bike rideing for me cause i needed to get places and im lame and dont have a car. so... peddle peddle peddle all day long. i am really out of shape. i got to the top of genesse and almost passed out. that sucked too. michelle offerd me a ride but adam had to much stuff piled in the car. dang that would have been better to have gotten a ride. oh well. i can take it. tomorrow is another day and no drumline practice for me. night school sucks. i hate being so dumb to have gotten it. i did fail that class so it was my falt. i have 12 days,30 hours total to finnish 72 pages of work. i dont know how i will do it. i have to though. thanks shari for keeping me company whenever possible. you rock. and no i dont think anything of the guys in the movie. just...no...
becki i will get you what information i can for the project thing.. and to all else i have been up to long and have done way to much today so i will say good bye and catch you later.

02:21 am:
Copy paste the code to your livejournal, blog, etc.


What do you dream of?
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sucide, thats all i got to say...


How do you want to die?
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sorry evett i just took the test and this is what it said but i dont disagree.
bye all.........

09:12 pm: what am i suppost to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what is a person supposed to do when they can get no help from anyone on what they need? i know they fo insane. i cant handle life much anymore. not that is is hard only cause you know what everyone has it hard in there own way. but i have no clue where i am supposd to go or what i am supposed to do..i dont get sleep i dont have an appatite and i cant think. im stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place and i have nothing to dig myself out with. people telling me that it will all be ok in a little means nothing to me. not because they dont but because that it is not happaning. i have drumline that is turning into way to much of a chore intead of being fun anymore. people just need to chill and enjoy the music and being together. they dont. i dont know why but at some point that is what started happaning. who knows why..... i know i dont. school is to much and i dont know how to handle that. i hear that i need to drop something cause i am gonna over load soon but they dont know that if i do that i will let someone down and i cant do that because whoever i let down no matter who it is means something to me even if we dont get along so well. i guess all i want to know is who do i have? what is out there for me? who is there for me? really there for me. not just someone who says that im good with you and im your friend. but true people. that is all . i know that is not alot to ask for. it is to hard to face each day anymore. i cant live on no sleep and to much stress. it is to difficult. i want it all to stop. i dont know how to fix it or make it right. i dont know what else to post in here so i have to say later for now. bye all....................

02:24 pm: hey you
hey becki why dont you ever post... it is so boreing that you are on my friends list but there is nothing to read. i dont post all the time but i do sometimes. i dont know i just thought i would say that... oh well. im bored just waiting for padres time. i need something to do.... humm.. i have nothing to do. jeezz. why does a person that gets so much time to sleep never get sleep? i dont understand that. hey katie last night with mike did you have some for me? just jokein. i wanna do something. im so bored......... oh well i guess i will go for now. see you all later.

11:37 pm: WOW
Yes, your depressed. You feel like you have no
life, and no one loves you. Chill, life will
get better. Or not... just die, it'll be
better...


Do You Have Depression?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are, I hate to say this, a real geek. You may
be mis- understood but you ask for it. You
never open up and give anyone the CHANCE of
understanding you. You work hard at school and
feel you have no time for any wish wash social
status fun stuff. My Advice: Breathe! Open up!
Stop working! Get a friend! Look at the
wonderful world around you! Flirt! Joke around!
Open up! I Garantee you'll see life from a
whole new perspective and have a whole lot more
fun. Don't know where to start? E-mail me at
bookabite@hotmail.com and there is one friend.
From then on, I'll help you getting other
friends and be the best friend you'll ever meet
over the internet.


How mis-understood are you?
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wow i guess that is just how it is sometimes. that is how the ball bounces. cant do anything about it even though it is sometimes so real. oh well im tired once again so i go sleep or try any ways.

06:45 am: ♀ ∞ → ┘ § ╤ ← φ ╤ á ò ± ╡‼ ⁿ ╖±╚ ä ░ ö ¢ ⌐ Ä ↔ à ¥
Snare line


What Part Of Drumline Do You Belong Most With?
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look i got ummm... me. this is exciting... wow... dot dot dot dot dot. i dont have anything to say cause i am really tired still and i cant get any good sleep. people cant seem to understand that just cause you sleep doesnt mean you are sleeping good. that is just how it is i guess. oh well. its to early i gotta go bye all.

10:47 pm: sleep, agravation.....
i am soooooo tired! i have been doing way to much. or trying to anyway. i dont know what to do. i feel if i dont keep busy i have stop and be bord and think about crap i really dont want to think about. i am starting to feel myself streching a little to far now though. doing a little to much at once and putting to much on my plate kinda thing. i started this new job thing and it is really really hard and exausting. and also doing project wild life and working the padres and practice and trying to do my homework when i have it and and and and and............. it seems the list just keeps going on and on for me. and im dumb enough to keep adding crap to it. i dont know when to quit and say enough is enough. that is really something i need to work on. i need to just have some fun and not worry about anything for a while. i need to give my brain a break. too much on my mind that i am loseing sleep over it. i get to bed pretty early lately and i just dont sleep. i cant. like i said i need a break. fun and enjoyment are needed and i cant get a hold of it. school and practice and other crap. i dont know how to take a break when i think about it. and if i did get a break im not talking about this one week shit where you sleep in then wake up become bord, eat, talk on the phone, then do it all over again. im talking about some fun, away from stuff. i dont know what kind of stuff but that is what i need. some place sacluded.... away...... something natureish. i touch the meaning of fun every once in a while but i forget what it is real fast. like it never happend. and no that is not how life is.... i wont take that for an excuse. that is what stress and other anoying things are. that is what they do. even drumming isnt all that great anymore. it is more of an addiction rather than just doing it for fun anymore. one of thoughs things that once was fun but is now a chore. i dont know. i really dont know. i just want to disappear for a while. just feel like i can float or fly. above or below everything and everone. i am really tired so im gonna say bye for now and ill catch some of you later. bye..........

07:19 am:
Drowning: The easiest and most beautiful way to go:
drift sweetly lost Ophelia
(dont do it)


What Method of Suicide Are You?
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i dont know what you are thinking shannon and i still need to talk with you but look you are not alone and you still have me. you are not driveing anyone away and i will still be here when you leave and when you get back. no matter how long that is.

hi to everyone and look i can drown... ive never really thought about doing it that way. its always been alot messier. oh well hope you all have a good day and i dont have anything exciteing to talk about so i will say bye once again for now and talk to you later...